Michelle
For me though, this is not about what the United States is not, but rather what South Africa is. In the last few months I have found myself filling my suitcases with paintings, sculptures, dishes, place mats, clothing, and beaded jewelry. The strange thing is, I never buy things - I am, in general, as much of a minimalist as one could be. What I realized today though, is that I am not buying all of these things for their ascetic value, but for their emotional value; I realized that I am trying to take South Africa home with me.
About a week ago, I got ‘ubuntu’ tattooed on my wrist. Before coming here, I never had any real desire to get a tattoo; however, I remember in the first week I was here, a few of us decided that we had to get one while here. For all of us, I think it is a physical representation of how South Africa has fully and completely become a part of us, and has a become embedded into our being.
Since day one, I have been acutely aware of how fast time would pass here, and how I needed to make the most of each moment; and, for once in my life, I can say that I have. Some of my favorite memories are of climbing Table Mountain, going surfing for the first time, bungee jumping, cage diving with great whites, going on a safari and to an elephant and monkey sanctuary, spending time with the children living in the townships, volunteering at the animal shelter, playing in the waterfalls of the Drakensberg Mountains, and spending hours listening to speakers and going through books at the Book Lounge (and of course being attacked by a baboon).
When I look back and reflect, I see how much I have done here. I have seen plays, been to the International Jazz Festival, hiked unbelievable mountains, the list goes on – but, it still doesn’t feel like enough. I am, in no way, shape or form, ready to leave this place. On one of the buildings in downtown Cape Town, there is a sign that says in huge letters, “this place I call home.” Without hesitation, I can say that Cape Town has become my home.
Whenever I try to articulate what exactly it is that I love so much about South Africa, I always fail miserably. I think what it is, and here I am stealing Marita’s words and reflection, is that I love me in South Africa. Here, I am at peace. Here, I feel at home. Here, I am driven by my heart and not by fear or by others’ expectations.
I know that I have changed and grown so much here, and for that I will be forever grateful, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I am terrified to return to Connecticut. Of course I can’t wait to see my family and loved ones (most of all my cats and dog, Monte!), but other than that, I am terrified to return to the old me. Before coming here, I was always filled with a certain amount of restlessness and anxiety. Here, I can actually breathe in, and out, and experience every moment and just be. I am currently reading a book on Taoism and one of the quotes is, “the way to do is to be.” Here, I can be.
I am going to miss waking up to the African sun and falling asleep to the indescribable African sky; I will miss walking to the grocery store and being greeted by the men making beaded flowers and hearing their cheery voices saying ‘good mornings sisi.’ I will miss walking through the tall grass of the commons and seeing the dogs running around playing, and the runners following their daily route. I will miss crossing the street and almost being hit by a car on a daily basis; I will miss the mini-bus hawkers yelling, “Wiiiiiinebeeeeerg,” and “Cape Tiieeeooowwwn.” I will miss being crammed into the mini buses, hearing the blaring and pulsating music, being surrounded by people speaking Xhosa, and seeing the smiling babies wrapped tightly in towels around their mothers or grandmothers. I will miss hearing the unidentified alarm that goes off throughout the night, and waking up to the birds’ calling sound that can only be described as a cross between a cat being slaughtered by a donkey who is simultaneously being beaten. I will miss waking up with hundreds of mosquito bites and lizards crawling on my walls. I will miss going to Muizenburg Beach and passing by all the people standing barefoot in the shops, with their dogs standing by their side. I will miss the indescribable sound of a small community coming together to sing at political rallies, protests, or any other random occasion. I will miss all of the smiling faces in the township of Khayelitsha, and the children! Most of all I will miss the children; I will miss the diversity of this place, and miss being the minority; I will miss our neighbors’ dogs, Billy and Muffin. I will miss the music, the people, the mountains, the sea, the flowers, the air, the land, the animals, the fresh fruit and vegetables. I will miss Cape Town, and more than anything, I will miss me being in Cape Town.
In my months here, there have been tremendous highs and unbelievable lows. I feel like in these last months, I have experienced a lifetime, and am grateful for each moment. In fact, there is not one moment here that I would change, because this has been my experience, and this is the experience I needed (and need) to have.
I will return to Connecticut a different person, a more balanced and peaceful person, and a person who is far more aware of her wants, needs, and desires. The most important lesson I have learned here though, is that I am who I am, and that the path I take will be different than most. Most importantly, I have learned that it is ok. My path in life may not be practical, conventional, predictable or even logical, but it is mine. I now know that I am who I am, and I am happy with that person, and I can now start living accordingly.
When I get on the plane and leave Cape Town, I will not be saying ‘goodbye,’ but rather, ‘See you soon.’ I have now finished my time at UConn and in many ways, for many reasons, feel freed. I know I will be back here soon, as this has become my home, and I finally feel at home with myself.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-Mahatma Gandhi
