I found out right before I left for work on Monday, and all I could think was “why.” Why someone so young? Why couldn’t he ever get to a place where he could find some sort of peace? Why and how could his demons have won? I always hoped he would win the fight and find some sort of happiness. No matter how much trouble he ever got in, and no matter how many poor decisions he made, it never changed the fact that he was a good person. He was a good person who never intentionally hurt anyone, and in the end, he hurt himself.
I then began to think about how here, in South Africa, especially in Khayelitsha where I work, this sort of loss is a constant reality. I still cannot wrap my mind around that. How can anyone ever “get used to” losing a friend, an ex, a son or daughter, or cousin or neighbor? How has this become reality, a common occurrence, for so many people in this world? How is it possible that in places like the townships, or in places like the inner city in any state of the US, we allow these tragedies to continue? I am, in many ways, brought to my knees from losing someone who has not even been a consistent part of my life; I can only imagine what it must be like to have the consistent part of your life be the loss of loved ones.
I recently finished reading a book called Beauty’s Gift, which is about five best friends in South Africa, and how they deal with the death of one of the friends. Beauty unexpectedly died from AIDS after she contracted it from her unfaithful husband. The news of the loss, specifically of the fact that the loss was from AIDS, tore the best friends apart. The book took place at a time when AIDS was really beginning to affect the people of the townships, and they were also dealing with many other losses at the same time that they lost Beauty. After I found out that Mike died, I instantly thought of this book.
I also instantly thought of everyone who was left behind, and how they were left with the pain of losing a loved one. What about his parents? What about his sister? What about his nieces and nephews? What about his best friends? I thought of a speaker I saw in Cape Town, at the Book Lounge, and how she spoke about the pain of those left behind that is often overlooked. I will process this and grieve in my own way, but how will his close family, and his few close friends, who were the equivalent of family, begin to cope and move on? He didn’t die of cancer, or in a car accident, but from his own actions. How can one not dwell on what could have been done differently? How can one not fixate on how this so easily, in one minute even, could have been prevented?
On the one hand, dealing with this in South Africa is more difficult because I do not have the support of my friends, especially those who also grew up with him. But, on the other hand, being here in South Africa and hearing this news allows me to have a different perspective. I cannot say that it makes it easier, but I can say that this experience here has made me hyper-aware of my feelings about life and about death.
This weekend, I went bungee jumping off the highest jump in the world. I was not nervous, but excited, even though I always swore that it was something I would never do. I was the first one to jump, and there was a split second before I jumped off the bridge where I thought, “what if I die?” But, I pushed myself, both literally and figuratively, and jumped a second later. For me, that jump represented me overcoming so many of my fears and how important it is for me to live in the moment and to actually Live my life. I cannot live in fear, like I have for so long, but I have to push through and try to be aware of all of my surroundings. I have to try to do as much good as possible, and make as much of a difference, in whatever small ways, in my short time here. Life is so fragile, and I was reminded of that yesterday morning.I want to try to stay as positive as possible, and not get sucked into the questions of why, or the thoughts of how unfair this is. I am lucky, and being in South Africa is a constant reminder of that. There are so many things in life that are out of our control. Life is what you make of it, and I am trying to keep things in perspective and make the most of every day. My time in South Africa is going by so fast, but it is also making me better able to deal with and understand life and death and how I want to spend my time on this Earth. There is no better gift than that.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-Mahatma Gandhi
